It is very hard for me to be a part of a system that so obviously doesn't work. When the system is broken but acknowledged, I can handle it. The admission makes the horizon promising, but when The System is hailed above all else, I have a problem. When pieces are put in place just to have pieces: I have a problem.
This has probably always been the case on some level, but the more I know - about the system and myself - the worse it is.
I took a class last year that devoted a third of the concept to self reflection/understanding. It included long bouts of thinking about instances that inspired anger and annoyance; it included tests of general aptitude, and I was especially apt at conceptual thinking. The best example of this would be Quantum Physics. As far as a science, there is almost nothing I could explain and/or prove. If I were to even speak of it, my words could all be in error; yet when listening or thinking about the ramifications of the science, how it plays out, what it does/could mean, I'm there. Things like: twin particles, matter being ever existing and traveling, an expanding universe and the like are all examples of things that, to me, get to a general life force that has spiritual ramifications deeper than (perhaps) any to date. But I couldn't explain why; I just get it.
Why this is important is that when someone explains something, though the particulars don't separate into facts and factoids, the overall message makes sense to me. How to get it to happen, conceptually, makes sense to me. Another skill of mine is encouraging people, and empowering them to believe in themselves. These things, together, can help be a change.
Being a change, or doing what I can has been something that I've tried to do over the years, and it's been very important to who I am and want to be. Lately, though, it's hit an impasse. What I can do has grown in scope, while my daily power to do anything about it has shrunk.
Which leaves me drained. Unable to do what I'm best at. Which isn't a good trajectory.
Rather than fixing the system, I'm becoming a part of the system; unwillingly, but I'm sure that's how it starts. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to have a negative impact.
I'll provide more explanation later, but the biggest problem of my particular system (the school system) is that we have way too many people on the top. Too many positions of power. On paper, these positions impact the students, but in reality, they cause hoops to be jumped through, so that they have something to do, and secretaries to fill their schedules, to dole out work, to create a trail, to prove their worth.
But worth that's created for it's own sake is just waste.