In church yesterday, my pastor pointed to a section in the gospel of John. He pointed out something from this section, namely that Jesus' first words were a question. Jesus turns to two people following him and says, "What do you want?"
These two, following Jesus looking for a better way, are asked by Jesus, "What do you want?"
This was used in the sermon as a question: does following Jesus mean that we get what we want? Do our matters, desires, and urges matter when it comes go Jesus, to God. Is the creator of all things concerned about what we want? And if so, what do we want?
If God is concerned, this could really, really matter.
More than concerned about the truth or answer to any of the above, I'm more concerned about the question: what do I want? This is a question that I rarely allow myself to answer. It's something I don't really think about. I more or less follow the flow and allow other's desires to take over mine. I'm much better at adapting than I am to leading the way.
This has benefit, but it also has problems. You can find yourself less than a month away from turning 35 - which sounds fucking old - and not know what you really want out of your life. Or, if you're honest about it, you may see that you're not taking active steps to making those things happen.
So then, what do you do?
For me, this year, that question really matters. I've cared about it, but now I really care because something does change after you turn 30. You see the bigger picture. The desires of youth dissipate into the reality of what you're doing. The abstract becomes practical. You won't live in central America and learn Spanish if you don't buy a plane ticket and practice the dialect. You're not going to be 'found' and promoted into some major position, unless you make it happen. You don't have the luxury of floating around, going from job to job, you do something and call it a career.
You're also more tired. If you drink too much, you're hung over longer; if you stay up late and are on go-mode for a while, your body feels it. It becomes laughably easy to put on weight, and a process to take it off. And you have to make a lot more plans.
I have a much easier time with some of this than I do with others. Some of these things are hard. Like when you find yourself in a position where you know you need to make changes, but it means you have to put in the time and effort to make them happen. You realize that time and effort are finite, and you must therefore redirect your actions.
Which brings me to the question: What kind of life? Do my desires matter to God, and if they do, how do I make them matter more to me?